My Life as a Social Injustice Warrior

I was born into this human form, as it turns out, on a spectrum.  When I was younger I was labeled a “gifted child” more modern analysis of my brain mechanics would probably say that I am on the highly functional spectrum of Asberger’s Syndrome (this is a self-diagnosis and may be wrong, it is just my best guess to date…)

Nonetheless, it put me in a position of always being easily labeled as an “outsider” and the target for fear and anger when people felt unsafe in my presence.  In fact, it was a green-light for all kinds of social, personal, and emotional violence which my family readily took full advantage of.

In psychological terms I’m the family scapegoat/ “garbage can” the “sin eater” for my family.  At the time of this essay, my mother is still alive and so, for her, I will not go into detail about the abuse I endured in my family home.  Suffice it to say there were many occasions where everyone in the family enjoyed attacking me – at the same time – to make themselves feel better, safer, and superior. 

I used to call the behavior the “feeding frenzy” after I saw sharks ripping bits of flesh off of poor victims in the ocean, as a group, one at a time, without regard for the suffering of the victim.  And that’s what it felt like emotionally to be “thrown under the bus” because I was the “weirdo” of the family.

I mention this only so that my motivations for the rest of this journey are understood.  From this view, one’s compassion for the victim of shark attacks is increased.  And, in this unjust, violent, and unpleasant human society victims of those kinds of attacks abound…

People of color, women, children, weaker countries, gay people, strange people of any kind, and the list is just too long to completely write here.

Essentially ANYONE in a “down power” role being kicked around by those in an “up power” role.

And all human beings have this as part of their life experience to one degree or another even if they grow to be the most powerful people in the world (e.g. all adults had to be children at some point, etc.)

Now having a mind that loves to “solve puzzles” and seeing that this is a puzzle that desperately seemed to need a solution I set my mind to look into this dynamic of universal injustice.

And here is my path:

Being a nerd I began there.  I was “normal-looking” even dare I say, “good looking” and had an athletic build, so I was in a position to defend those other nerds who were say skinny, with glasses and tape holding them together.  So I did.

Every chance I could, to every bully I could find, I spoke up and as best I could stood up to them (some were simply too huge for me to do anything physically against, but they knew by my behavior that I disapproved of them nonetheless…)

For those I couldn’t punch in the face, I used wit and humor to socially embarrass and attack them.  I became a writer and decided that was the way I was going to “punch back” and began imagining stories that made bullies look like the weak chicken-shit bastards they really were.

The problem is I ran into psychology, sociology, and philosophy/science.

Psychology revealed to me that it was highly likely that those bullies were being bullied somewhere themselves (with some exceptions for Narcissists and Sociopaths…)

Sociology taught me “in-group” and “out-group” behavior.

And philosophy/science brought me to see that “I am made of the dust of the stars and the oceans flow in my veins…”  (to quote my favorite lyricist Neil Peart, who was also probably on the Asberger’s Syndrome spectrum, but I digress…)

After I defended nerds for a while I began educating myself on human history and found some interesting patterns. 

I saw that armies conquered, raped, pillaged, and murdered “out-groups” in the name of some unifying story, some “philosophy of specialness” that they used to justify their behavior.  By and large, this was in the form of some “religion” which spoke on behalf of some all-powerful “deity” which, as coincidence would have it, told them that they were special and that their actions were in line with the deity’s wishes.  Amazing good luck right?! 

Or was it??

As I looked deeper into this I noticed that “god” – in one form or another - was always on BOTH sides!!  (But only the winner could claim the deity’s affections and approval…)

This seemed illogical and so I came to see that I could indeed spend my time and limited resources to advocate against military war machines, child abusers, misogynists, racists, etc. etc. individually, OR I could try to destroy through logic, wit, and well-chosen words the philosophies that people used to justify those horrors (i.e. religions.)

So I spent years as an avid and militant atheist…

But what I found was that the religions themselves couldn’t completely explain the horrors because all people, even fellow atheists, were also selfish and cruel from time to time…

So I decided to look deeper…

I was fortunate enough to meet a man that had spent even more years and more effort than I had on this very subject and he turned me onto some deeper insights.

I went back into “in-group/out-group”s through the works of Alan Watts (given to me by this man) and Alan mentioned something foundational, that those larger social structures were just the macro version of a micro sense of separation all humans feel as a singular separate form called “me” which was - in one way or another - always in mild conflict with the rest of “them” for resources, pleasures, social status, etc.  And that THIS ILLUSION OF HUMAN SENSES WAS, IN FACT, THE CAUSE OF EVERYTHING I HAD BEEN STUDYING FOR THESE MANY YEARS.

I was blown away. 

The human ego, defined as “an identity as a small form-based separate self” was the true cause of all the acts of violence, indifference, and suffering in human interactions.

Holy shit.  I found the Holy Grail!

Now, all I have to do is work on this “sense of singular form-based separation” in myself AND then write books, movies, poems, songs, and anything else I could think of to communicate what I had found to the world!!

And, so I did…

And this path ultimately lead me to meditation, inquiry, courage, and earnestness and to my own almost complete liberation from that small, fear-based, and violent world-view.

I even, upon the urging of my teacher, began to attempt through videos, books, essays, and one on one teaching to help others see that truth themselves all the while having this secret and VERY OLD drive of solving this issue my child-self had to endure in his unfair childhood home…

And then it dawned on me.

Lao Tzu, Buddha, Christ, and many others, THOUSANDS OF YEARS AGO had written and taught and advocated on behalf of this truth in very clear, insightful, and passionate teachings.

AND NOTHING CHANGED IN THOSE THOUSANDS OF YEARS. 

In fact, the methods of violence, rape, torture, injustice, and misery were perfected and became more and more destructive (for a simple example look only to atom bombs for those who doubt this truth…) in those thousands of years EVEN THOUGH the truth was found, spread, and compassionately taught.

And it halted me in my tracks and changed my view forever.

I had been misperceiving this form experiment called “humanity” in fact I had been misperceiving this form-based experience called “this universe.”

It wasn’t malfunctioning and in need of repair.  It was functioning flawlessly and purposefully by generating terrible suffering as its goal.

Once I saw that clearly, I lost my mystification and confusion, and through that view, this universe, and this game called “Homo Sapiens” actually works like a well-oiled and terrifyingly precise and perfect machine.

If the desired output is suffering one could hardly create a better system than the one that is ALREADY in place.

What is the use of suffering?  Well, suffering leads to surrender, and that surrender leads to wisdom and truth, and that truth leads to liberation.

It’s one big game of “hide and go seek” the Goddess is having with herself.

And it’s working perfectly.

Which brings me to a great quote my first student said to me:

“It seems like being a guru is like having a shovel and standing in front of an ocean of shit…”

And I said:

“That’s exactly right, now grab a shovel…”

So…  Why did I write this essay?

I wrote it for many reasons but one of them was to definitively answer the question:

 “If you’re so liberal and so compassionate, why aren’t you spending your life fighting for my singular (fill in your personal favorite injustice here) issue alongside me??”

My answer to this is:

“I am.”

If this essay finds you and you are suffering (which has a 99.999999999% chance of being true) I love you, and I wish you peace, joy, and ease.

And you are NOT the “little me fighting against the entire universe…”

Don’t take my word for it, find out for yourself.

Much love.