In the Competition of Victim Stories I Must Win
I’ve written about competing victim stories, about special cases of victimhood, and about making an identity out of them. I’ve talked about the very precious “bag of villains” and how we keep them to prove we can’t let our guard down, we can’t relax, or the villains will attack again.
Eckhart Tolle has mentioned many times that there are people who are simply unwilling to let go of these identities. I have had, and still have, students who cling to theirs. I’ve had students leave my teaching to keep their victim stories in tact. I’ve had at least one student who’d rather die than let go of that identity. And the question is why?
We now know from the amazing work of Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor where this inner child, where this victim of past pain lives. It is essentially the personification of the Left Limbic System. The job of that system is to look at present threats and check against previous threats to see if the present threat is similar, and maybe needs to be avoided. Like the Left Cerebral Cortex which evolved on top of it, it is locked in the experiences of past and future. In fact, brain systems are built upon older systems, and so the grandiose and confident Left Cerebral Cortex, the “Left Hemisphere” of my previous writings, is in fact, merely a servant of the Left Limbic System. It takes impulses from that system and “makes sense” of them. It tells stories to explain “why” the system is firing, and creates plans, plots and schemes to avoid previous traumas. And, last, and certainly worst, it creates identities, “stories of me” around those plans, plots, and schemes. It turns out that this symbiotic relationship is the center piece of the ego and the pain body as explained by Eckhart Tolle, and many many other spiritual masters.
We now know where in the brain this happens. Great, so what? Well, it helps because if we see them as brain mechanics a crack in the identity might appear. Perhaps I'm not solely defined by my past as a victim. Instead, it could be just one aspect of the various brain mechanics at play within my brain. In this way we can switch to the “observer” (a main goal of Mindfulness Meditation) and watch the “thoughts” instead of becoming them. That “space” between us and the brain mechanic is the beginning of the lightness of enlightenment. The greater the space, the greater the peace. The correlation is one to one.
So, why would anyone chose to remain in the victim identity? Why would anyone, exposed to this material still stand stubbornly, willfully, unmoving and unwavering in this persona when peace is the alternative?
It is simple:
“If I move to the peace, I never suffered, and the abusers won.”
And that simply can’t be allowed. I’d rather die than let the abusers win. If they win, then it was alright that they abused me. If I stand in the peace, then it’s ok that they abused me. And it’s not ok.
This is why in my four steps of the Pain Body a large step is “validate the inner child.”
Don’t move to peace without telling them “yes you were hurt, and yes you experienced it in the past.”
Don’t move an inch until that child has heard that fully.
Don’t do that step mechanically and then run to the peace to end the discomfort. They will notice. And they will rebel.
Your agreement to seek peace might be interpreted as conceding victory to your abusers. And it’s not ok. They’d rather die.
If you have ever been suicidal you have met this inner child. They don’t want to hear about inner peace, enlightenment, love of all things, joy, bliss, or liberation. They want SOMEONE TO HEAR THEM AND SOMEONE TO PAY!
Nothing else will suffice. Or they’d rather be dead.
At least, in a defiant act of self sacrifice SOMEONE might listen. Someone might have to admit that they were hurt unjustly and violently.
They would, of course, love it if every human would agree, we see this in activists and politics. “You are a villain unless you agree that my pier group suffered more than yours…”
“But some groups of people have suffered more than others!!!!” I hear you say.
Yes, they have. People suffer in varying degrees in every now moment. Every human, even the villains have experienced this. And, there might be a villain suffering more than you in this now moment. And it’s not ok. It can’t be. Because if I admit that, then they win. And if they win, they had the right to hurt me. And I can’t allow that. I’d rather die.
I hear you.
I really do.
I’ve been there.
I hear you.
I just want to ask one question.
If we keep our hurt inner children locked in these states and away from their love, their joy, who is abusing them now?
And is that ok?
Let’s let this go, and leave the abuse behind. Isn't it time we release the grip of our pain and allow our inner child to experience the love and joy they deserve? Let's not abandon them in pursuit of peace but instead, bring them with us to healing and liberation.