How Do I Deal With Aggressive Egoic People?

In these divisive times, there seems to be an even greater need for a set of guidelines about talking to people who push past our boundaries or refuse to listen to our needs. 

How do I maintain my peace while dealing with someone who is egoic and aggressive?

Well, there are three simple rules that I follow and I now suggest them to you:

1.      Love them.  (Accept them as they are with your whole heart)

2.      Hold your boundaries  (With a diamond wall)

3.      Speak truth when asked.  (Only when directly asked a question, no need otherwise)

So now I’ll quickly go over what I mean one at a time beginning, well, with the beginning:

1.       Love them

We love by accepting them as they are, in this now moment, with our whole hearts.  We fail to love them if we “should or shouldn’t” them or push and pull against who they are.  They are what they are and they are, especially if they have done no work, prisoners of their conditioning.  If we expect to retain our peace while dealing with them we can only do so by accepting what is, and what is, is that they are products of their conditioning and trapped in the cages it creates.  Anything other than seeing them as they are would be not aligned with the Tao, with what is, and would take us out of our peace and make us ineffective.

2.      Hold your boundaries

This one is simple but people struggle with it.  If you are feeling a “no” in your heart in response to stimuli, then the answer is no.   If you are feeling a “yes” in your heart in response to stimuli, then the answer is yes. 

In this example, the stimulus is another person.  If you feel a “no” - and are able - gently walk away.  If you are unable to walk away hold your boundaries firmly and solidly.  Anger is merely the loudest possible “no” we are capable of.  If we are forced to use it, do so.  It is not “unspiritual” to be angry, it is merely the second to last line of defense if other options are available.  Physical force is also on the table if necessary, but it is the VERY last line of defense if NO other options are available.

The second that your “no” is acknowledged return back to as gentle an interaction as is possible.  And IF you have overreacted own it and clean your karma as soon as possible.

3.      Speak truth when asked

If you are asked a direct question then it is your karmic obligation to speak truth, even uncomfortable truth.  ONLY IF ASKED DIRECTLY.  There is no need to preach to those who do not ask.

This is done, unless you are a Dharma Teacher (though good ones usually use this rule of thumb as well), by speaking from firsthand experience only (e.g.- “I have found that meditation helps” or “I have found the teachings of Eckhart Tolle to be useful in dealing with my chronic anxiety” etc.) NOT by metaphors or “spiritual truths” that you have memorized.  This is not a sermon, it is a true communication of your experience with another human being.  If they push back against it or disagree you may say “I am fine with you disagreeing, this is merely my experience” and that should give you a graceful way out of the conversation.

And that is it.  Love them.  Hold your boundaries.  And speak truth when asked.